But it really doesn't matter with me now...
...because I've been to the mountaintop.
Susanna, you have a visitor.
What are you doing here?
I ship out next week.
Here.
Checks.
Sorry.
No. It's okay. We have 10 minutes till they come back.
Hey, Torch.
What you doing?
Nothing.
Well, why don't you go to your room and do nothing?
Checks.
Hey, Margie.
Hey, Lisa. What you doing?
.Checks. .How's Joe?
He's fine.
I have to do my checks.
Taking five minutes for me would be a dereliction of duty?
What if I had a punctured artery?
You'd go on your rounds, ignoring my wounds?
.Stop it. .Stop what? Look at this.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
That's enough!
Take one step and I'll jam this in my aorta!
Stop it.
Your aorta is in your chest.
Good to know.
.I'll make a note of that. .Good.
You have grounds privileges. Why don't you take a walk?
Go get a cup of coffee.
We should get out of here.
The cafeteria's this way.
My wheels are here.
Wait. What are we doing?
We're going to Canada.
You're not crazy.
Okay? You don't need to be here.
I tried to kill myself, Toby.
You took some aspirin. I took a bottle of aspirin.
That buys you a year in this place? That's bullshit, okay?
They're breaking you.
Come on. All right? Everything's changing, man.
What do they know about being normaI?
I have friends in here.
Who? Them?
Those girls... Susanna...
...they're eating grapes off of the wallpaper.
They're insane.
If they are, I am.
No, baby. Listen, come with me.
Look...
...my dad gave me five grand.
Okay? We can go up there. We can build a cabin in the woods.
Look, I know that this sounds crazy...
...but I think I love you.
So come with me. Okay?
Come with me.
You wanna leave, don't you?
Yes.
I wanna leave.
But not with you.
Not with you.
I'm sorry.
Susanna, wait a second.
Why did you do that?
Fix the light bulb at night?
I'm not here in the morning...
...and that's when you like to draw your pictures and stuff.
So...
John?
Why do you like me?
I just like you.
That's all.
I wish you were getting better, though.
I would...
I'd take you out to go see a movie or something.
That'd be nice.
My face!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Let her be. She's fine. My face!
Seclusion. Take her to Seclusion. Come on.
I got you.
My face! Why? .Open it.
My face!
Quieten down. Quieten down. You're all right.
I'm ugly! My face!
I'm ugly! Why?
What happened to Polly?
What needs to happen? No one's ever gonna kiss her.
They're building a new Disneyland in Florida.
If I could have any job, I'd be a professionaI Cinderella.
You could be Snow White.
Polly could be Minnie Mouse and then...
...she'd be hugged, kissed and loved...
...and no one would know what's inside that giant head.
Give me your keys.
Hey, Polly.
It's Susanna.
Just play something.
If talking did shit, we'd be out of here by now.
When you're alone And life is making you lonely
You can always go
Downtown
When you've got worries All the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know
Downtown
Just listen to the music
In the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalks Where the neon lights are pretty
How can you lose?
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles Forget all your cares and go downtown
Back to your room, please.
Things will be great when you're Downtown
McWilley is gonna wake up.
Give me the guitar.
You're gonna get me fired.
You'll be dancing with him Before the night is over
.Give me the guitar. - Happy again
No. No.
It's okay. It's okay. Come here.
You'll get me fired. You know that?
Downtown
Everything's great...
...when you're downtown
I'm writing you up.
I am sick of this bullshit.
Is she here?
You can go in now.
.What did she do? .They drugged Nurse McWilley.
.Good morning, Susanna. .Good morning.
How are you?
I'm fine, I guess.
Sit down.
You look tired.
Polly freaked out last night and we stayed up singing to her, Lisa and I.
Have you become friends with Lisa?
Why? Is that bad?
.Does it feeI bad? .No.
Before you came here, did you have many girlfriends?
Not really.
Would you say that before you came here, your friends consisted mainly...
...of boys, of men?
Does it say in there that I'm promiscuous?
Why do you choose that word?
How many guys would I have to sleep with to be considered promiscuous?
Textbook promiscuous?
What do you think?
Ten. Eight. Five.
How many girls would a guy have to sleep with to be considered promiscuous?
Ten? 20? 109?
Someone who's compulsively promiscuous...
...might engage in a sex act with a guest in their room...
...and then engage in another sex act during the same day with an orderly.
Am I in trouble for kissing an orderly or giving my boyfriend a blowjob?
Melvin says...
...you have some very interesting theories about your illness.
You believe there is a mysticaI undertow in life.
"Quicksands of shadows. "
Another one of my theories is that you people don't know what you're doing.
You acknowledge a problem coping with this quicksand.
I have a problem coping with this hospitaI. I wanna leave.
I can't do that.
I signed myself in, I can sign myself out.
You signed yourself into our care. We decide when you leave.
You're not ready for it, Susanna.
Your progress has plateaued.
Does that disappoint you?
I'm ambivalent.
In fact, that's my new favourite word.
Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
I don't care.
If it's your favourite word, I would've...
It means " I don't care. " That's what it means.
On the contrary, Susanna.
Ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition.
The prefix, as in ambidextrous...
...means " both. "
The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigour. "
The word suggests that you are torn...
...between two opposing courses of action.
Will I stay or will I go?
Am I sane or am I crazy?
Those aren't courses of action.
They can be, dear, for some.
Well, then, it's the wrong word.
No.
I think it's perfect.
"What world is this?
What kingdom?
What shores of what worlds?"
It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna.
The choice of your life.
How much will you indulge in your flaws?
What are your flaws? Are they flaws?
If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospitaI for life?
Big questions, big decisions.
Not surprising you profess carelessness about them.
Is that it?
For now.
This way, Susanna.
John was moved to the men's ward.
And Lisa never came back from Dr. Wick's office.
We live in a time of doubt.
The institutions we once trusted no longer seem reliable.
Daisy sent us a postcard all about her new apartment.
She got a pussycat.
Where's Lisa?
You know where she is.
They just put her in another ward.
I think you need to get up.
I'm just gonna rest for a while, just a little while.
What are you doing?
Fuck!
Sorry, too cold?
What the fuck are you doing? Get me the fuck out of this tub!
Get yourself out.
Where's Lisa?
Where the fuck is Lisa?
Can't hack it without her?
You banish her for singing to Polly. We were trying to help her!
We were trying to help her! This place is a fucking fascist torture chamber!
No.
I worked in state hospitals. This place is a five. star hoteI.
Oh, lordy, pick a bale of cotton
You know, I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people...
...but you?
You are not crazy.
Then what's wrong with me?
What the fuck's going on inside my head?
Tell me Dr. VaI, what's your diag. nonsense?
You are a lazy, self. indulgent little girI...
...who is driving herself crazy.
Is that your medicaI opinion? Huh?
Is that what you've learned in your studies at night schooI...
...for Negro welfare mothers?
I mean, Melvin doesn't have a clue. Wick is a psycho. And you...
...pretend you're a doctor.
You sign charts and dole out meds, but you's ain't no doctor, Miss Valerie.
You's ain't nothing but a black nursemaid.
And you're just throwing it away.
You still wanna go to Florida?
Lisa, we need money, don't we?
You've tongued your meds? Yeah, but I only have...
They gave me shocks again.
Jamie, I have to get out of here.
I'm Susanna.
What are we doing?
What is it?
" Dear sir, please give Daisy Randone assistance...
...installing a telephone at 23 Vicar Street. "
I thought we were going to Florida!
We just need a place to crash till we get plane tickets.
Come on.
Nice coat.
What?
You don't want me, Tony.
Yes, I do, baby.
No, you don't. I'm a crazy girl.
You're crazy, so we can't have one night?
I am a crazy girl. Seriously.
.You've been in a hospital? .Yes.
Do you see purple people?
My friend, he saw purple people.
And so the state came and took him away.
He didn't like that.
Some time went by...
...and he told them he didn't see purple people no more.
He got better.
No. He still sees them.
We gotta split.
Somebody stop her!
She took my fucking wallet!
Identify yourself.
It's Susanna and...
It's Susanna. Daisy?
You got Valium?
CooI pad.
Peace, man, peace.
I'm sorry for being a bitch. I was a drag.
That's for you.
That's Ruby.
My dad bought her for me.
This is a Castro Convertible.
.It pulls out. .CooI.
.Where's your bathroom? .Right there.
You don't have a tub.
No, I don't.
.What about upstairs? .Nope.
So, what, did you two escape or what?
Actually, we're going to Florida.
All you have is mustard and your chickens.
So what are you girls going to do in Florida?
I'm gonna be Cinderella at Walt Disney's new theme park.
Susanna's gonna be Snow White.
You can come if you want.
You can be the cocker spanieI that eats spaghetti.
I wanna make pancakes.
I'm tired. I wanna go to bed.
I want to make pancakes in the morning.
There's a market on the corner.
Pans are under the sink.
Silver's in that drawer.
Do you have any money?
Do you have some sort of a safety net down there?
People you know down there in Florida?
Relatives?
Friends? Anything?
This is for your pancakes.
Don't make a lot of noise in the morning.
I like to sleep late.
I'll come down when I'm ready.
Give me the Valium.
We don't need your daddy's money.
Then leave it there.
Just give me the fucking Valium.
What's this?
.What's this? .Let go.
.Trying out your new silver? .Get the fuck off me.
Less appealing for Daddy.
Look at your own arm, asshole.
I'm sick, Daisy. We know that.
But here you are in so. called recovery, cut up like a ham.
Just stop it, okay?
Help me understand.
I thought you didn't do Valium. Tell me how this works.
Tell me that you don't drag that blade across your skin...
...and pray for the courage to press down.
Tell me how your daddy helps you cope with that.
Illuminate me.
My father loves me.
I bet.
With every inch of his manhood.
Oh, God.
I'm going to sleep now.
Please be gone in the morning.
You're just jealous, Lisa...
...because I got better.
Because I was released.
Because I have a chance.
And a life.
They didn't release you because you're better.
They just gave up.
You call this a life?
Taking Daddy's money? Buying your dollies and your knickknacks?
Eating his fucking chicken? Fattening up like a prize heifer?
You changed the scenery, but not the situation...
...and the warden makes house calls.
And everybody knows.
Everybody knows that he fucks you.
What they don't know...
...is that you like it.
.You like it. .Shut the fuck up!
Man, it's cooI. It's okay.
It's fucking fine!
A man is a dick is a man is a dick is a chicken...
...is a dad...
...a Valium, a speculum, whatever.
Whatever.
You like being Mrs. Randone.
Probably all you've ever known.
Have fun in Florida.
Has she come down yet?
No.
But she's been playing that shit all morning!
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know
It's the end of the world
It ended when you said
Goodbye
Daisy?
Oh, my God!
What an idiot.
.Yes, I need an ambulance. .Make it a hearse.
Daisy Randone. She killed herself.
23 Vicar Street. Yes. Please hurry!
You pressed her buttons. Now you're taking her money.
I didn't press shit. She was waiting for an excuse.
Pack up. We have to go.
All right? We have to go!
Now we have money.
Don't be stupid.
All right, fine. Be stupid.
We should send someone for a litter box.
Can I pet the kitty?
Be carefuI.
.Hello, puddy. cat. .Kitty!
You are so cute.
Checks.
Where's Georgina?
She's staying with Polly tonight.
They're playing with your cat.
Did they find Lisa?
No.
I couldn't stand up to her.
A decent person would have done something.
Shut her up.
Gone upstairs.
Talked to Daisy.
Melvin said you went upstairs.
Too late.
What would you have said to her?
I don't know.
That I was sorry.
That I'll never know what it was like to be her.
But I know what it's like to wanna die.
How it hurts to smile.
How you try to fit in, but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside...
...to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this.
But you've got to tell some of this to your doctors.
How am I supposed to recover...
...when I don't even understand my disease?
But you do understand it.
You spoke very clearly about it a second ago.
But I think what you've got to do is put it down.
Put it away. Put it in your notebook.
But get it out of yourself.
Away, so you can't curI up with it anymore.
Lisa thinks it's a gift.
That it lets you see the truth.
Lisa's been here for eight years.
I'm so sorry.
.I was a pig. .It's all right. Listen.
Do not drop anchor here.
Understand?
When you don't want to feel...
...death can seem like a dream.
But seeing death...
...really seeing it...
...makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous.
Maybe there's a moment, growing up...
...when something peels back.
Maybe we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds.
Though I missed Lisa, life was easier without her.
A thought is a hard thing to control.
All I know is that I began to feel again.
Crazy? Sane?
Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world...
...and that was to use the place...
...to talk.
So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week...
...and I let her hear every thought in my head.
Do you think maybe I have ESP or something, that I'm gifted?
Perhaps.
You think I can be home by Thanksgiving?
Nothing's happened in weeks, you know.
The point is controI.
Yeah, and here I am, in controI, off meds...
...no headaches, sleeping sound.
Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
You don't need to be helped any longer.
You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
I have?
Then why didn't you tell her before?
Because she wouldn't have believed me.
She had to learn it for herself.
What have you learned, Dorothy?
I think that it...
...that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em...
...and if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again...
...I won't look any further than my own back yard.
Because if it isn't there...
...I never really lost it to begin with.
- Is that right? - That's all it is.
Thanks, Joe.
Go away. Go away!
It's me.
It's been a while...
...and I just wanted to say hey.
You okay?
Fabulous.
You're gonna be late. Gretta's waiting for you.
I gotta go. Dr. Wick.
They still fucking with you?
They're...
Actually, they're letting me out.
Oh, that's great.
You better go.
Well, my dad got me a job, a part. time job...
...at a bookstore in Harvard Square.
And I got an apartment with a phone so I can...
Stay in touch.
And I'll be seeing Sonia twice a week.
Is that your long. term plan? To work in retaiI?
My plan? No.
Then what do you plan to do?
I plan to write.
Polly Clark.
Cynthia Crowley.
Susanna Kaysen.
.I don't think I need... .Sleeping pills, darling.
You want to be rested for tomorrow. Last night's a long one.
Good girI. Katie Cooper.
Rosemary Jones.
Teresa McCullian.
Ruby?
" If I spread my fingers out, my hand looked more human.
So I did that.
But it wasn't tiring holding my fingers apart, so I let them relax...
...and then, I turned my hand over.
The back wasn't much better.
My veins bulged. "
Shut up, I'm reading. Shut up!
" I can honestly say that my memory has been transformed...
By Freud's definition, I've achieved mentaI health.
And my discharge sheet reads, 'recovered. '
Recovered. "
Don't do this!
"Whatever it was... "
" Had I stopped arguing with my personality?
Recovered. "
We were reading your book. We're having a little read. aloud...
...celebrate the wisdom you're taking into the world.
Try to learn something, grow as people.
When you were a baby, they strapped you to a board.
You think Georgina doesn't wanna leave...
...and I'm criminally insane.
What are you guys doing here?
" Lisa's eyes, once so magnetic, now just look empty. "
That is mine.
"Georgina lies only to people who keep her here.
Sometimes I think she wants to live in Oz forever. "
.How perceptive. .You better erase that thing.
My father is the head of the CIA, and he could have you dead in minutes!
" In this world, looks are everything.
Sometimes I think Polly's sweetness and purity aren't genuine at all...
...but a desperate attempt to make it easier for us to look at her. "
So nice of you to pass judgment on us now that you're cured.
What the fuck are you doing, Lisa?
I'm playing the villain, like you want.
.I give you everything you want. .No, you don't.
You wanted your file? I got it!
You wanted out, I got you out! You needed money, I found you some!
I told you the truth! I didn't write it in a book!
I told you to your face!
I told Daisy what everybody knew and wouldn't say, and she killed herself.
I played the fucking villain.
Just like you wanted.
Why would I want that?
Because it makes you the good guy, sweet pea.
You come back here, all sweetness and light and sad and contrite...
...and everybody wrings their hands, congratulating you on your bravery.
Meanwhile, I'm blowing guys at the bus station for money!
Stop it, Lisa. She's too...
Shut up, Polly!
Where are you going?
I'm talking to you!
Where are you going? I'm talking to you!
You don't like me anymore?
No, I don't!
Because you're free?
You think you're free?
I'm free!
You don't know what freedom is!
I'm free!
I can breathe! And you...
...you'll go choke on your average fucking mediocre life!
There are too many buttons in the world.
Too many buttons, and they're just...
There's way too many, begging to be pressed.
They're just begging to be pressed!
You know, they're just begging to be pressed.
And it makes me wonder.
It makes me fucking wonder. Why doesn't anybody ever press mine?
Why am I so neglected?
Why doesn't anybody reach in and rip out the truth...
...and tell me that I'm a fucking whore...
...and that my parents wish I were dead?
Because you're dead already, Lisa!
No one cares if you die, Lisa...
...because you're dead already.
Your heart is cold!
That's why you keep coming back here.
You're not free.
You need this place. You need it to feeI alive.
It's pathetic.
I've wasted a year of my life.
And maybe everyone out there is a liar.
And maybe the whole world...
...is stupid and ignorant.
But I'd rather be in it.
I'd rather be fucking in it...
...than down here with you.
Don't. Don't.
Don't.
Oh, God.
Did you get it?
I had to trade with a transvestite in the men's ward.
Thanks.
I'm not really dead.
I know.
I'm gonna miss you, Susie Q.
No, you're not. You're gonna get out of here...
...and you're gonna come and see me.
Hey, Georgina.
You know all that stuff I write in my journaI...
...I don't know what I'm saying.
They're just thoughts.
Maybe I'm the liar.
Maybe not.
See you.
You think if I left Ruby here you'd take care of her for me?
Let me play with her when I come for my therapy?
Bye, Ruby.
Remember me when you shave your legs.
Declared healthy...
...and sent back into the world.
My final diagnosis.:
A recovered borderline.
What that means, I still don't know.
Was I ever crazy?
- Maybe.
Or maybe life is.
I remember you.
Where are you going?
17 Burlingame.
All right.
Crazy isn't being broken...
...or swallowing a dark secret.
It's you or me...
...amplified.
If you ever told a lie...
...and enjoyed it.
If you ever wished you could be a child forever.
They were not perfect...
...but they were my friends.
And by the '7 Os...
...most of them were out...
...living lives.
Some I've seen...
...some, never again.
But there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.